I am forgetful.

I lost my voice.

Well, really

it was shoved

down my throat

into my guts

making them
bubble and churn,

moment by moment,

day by day,

Year by year.

—

Like, I also

lost track
of the fists

Shoved deep
down my throat.

—

I was no doctor.

I was…patient.

I listened while they
taught me
my experiences
weren’t “real”
enough
to report to…

well…anyone.

—-

Their assaults
Became me,

And

Infections,

thriving

in my guts,

replacing
healthy
bacteria.

—

No one
tells you
Learned
Self-hatred
Generates heat,

toiling and
acidifying
inside you.

Then, I was
(mis)treated

Like I was
the sickness.

As if I had
some nerve
to feel them.

—

For decades,
I was stuck.

So I numbed.

Booze
Worked.

Meanwhile,

I grew an
Affinity for
Surgeons.

They were,
Foreseeably,
Always men.

—

They executed
Their Procedures
To demonstrate

Their own
Prowesses.

It was best
If I put myself
Under While they
Worked on me.

Malpractice is the
rule for their most
patient patients.

—

These men
Were mostly
Forgettable.

The bits before
I blacked out
Were not.

So I
threw
this
Body

deep
Into
work.

—

Corporate
Carnivals.

Fun fact:

You don’t
Throw up
Until you get

Off the rides.

My reddened
exterior and

Rotting Insides

Flipped and
Bulged with

The speed
Of their
Velocities—

—Until

COVID-19
Closed
Our parks.

—

I had
to go
Home

-And
Stay
There.

I learned,
People died,

Few of
You cared.

—

In solitude,
I slowed
Enough
To feel
Again.

I became
Intimate with
Disequilibrium.

Rebalancing
My cycles
To stay Alive
Was brutal,

Somatic,

Ethereal.

—

Sometimes,
I deep throated
My own fists,

Wide awake,

To Pull out
An abscess.

Other times,

They leaked

Out of my
Every orifice.

It wasn’t
glamorous

—But…it
was That
Or sepsis.

—

To survive,
I evolved
faster

Than my
superbugs.

[They are
Known to be

Resistant
Little fucks.]

I found my
Voice box,
Spit-shining
It like new.

—

Six years
Of grieving,

Displacement,

And speech later,

I still mistake

Peace for death,

And pleasure for
Someone else’s.

—

But now, no
Matter What,

I know I am
Always home,
Uncontaminated,
and ready to go.